“The greatest hazard of all, losing one’s self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all.”
Soren Kierkegaard
The only thing I had left to put on were my shoes. I had been putting off putting them on for 15 minutes. So, I sat there on the edge of the tub…thinking. I knew that once my shoes were on it was time to go. And I can tell you that I was absolutely dreading what I was about to step into.
Those were my feelings this past Monday morning as I was preparing to preside over a memorial service for a friend of mine who had taken his life ten days earlier. The day before his service I had taken 76 elementary aged kids and staff to our annual Summer Camp. All of us were excited to embark on 4 days of adventure in a beautiful setting in the Rocky Mountains. But early Monday morning I had to leave the camp and head towards the service. As the only car on the road for a good 30 minutes, I had plenty of time to think about what was awaiting me. Rist Canyon Rd. suspended me between two worlds. On the one hand was the joyful innocence of Summer Camp and on the other was the funeral for a guy who took his own life. Maybe this one was more difficult than the dozens of funerals that I had presided over before. I knew him. He worked closely with my wife for the last five years. I came to know him and his family through their working relationship. And we had grown to love him and his family. Maybe it was the manner of his death. All that I knew, driving on that road, was that I didn’t want to step into the pain.
There were 300 – 400 people at the service; some were close associates. Others hadn’t seen my friend in years. All were at different stages of the grieving process.
During the service there were two points that l felt were important to share that morning. The first point I shared is that the totality of a person’s life is not determined by their last act. I know that suicide is especially painful to those left behind. We don’t always understand what would drive a person to such a point of despair. I wanted to remind people present that morning that there were so many character traits and memories about our friend that help us to remember him more than the way in which he died. He was easy going, smart, witty, and was a guy that many people went to when they needed help. He was a devoted father who loved his boys tremendously. He was constantly taking care of others from his immediate family to his mom and his two sisters. He was passionate about sports and was deeply devoted to the Chicago Bears and Chicago Cubs. He was also a survivor of two types of cancer, heart failure, and lived in constant pain in his legs and feet. In spite of these challenges he always greeted people with a warm smile and friendly conversation.
The second point that I made that morning was that no one bore any responsibility in my friend’s death. For those of us left behind grappling with his loss the worst thing for us to do, as we move forward, is to take responsibility for his actions. I reminded everyone that is not a burden for us to bear. I understand that suicide is a mystery that doesn’t have a satisfying solution to it. There is never a neat bow to put on this thing because we are ultimately left with a lot of questions.
Why?
Why didn’t I see it?
What could I have done?
How could he have done this?
In pondering those questions, and countless others, we start to experience varying degrees of guilt. Guilt in cancelling the lunch meeting. Guilt in not scheduling the lunch meeting. Guilt in putting off that phone call. Guilt over not thanking him for being the guy there to help. Ultimately everyone is left with the thought that we should have done more; including myself. I held up a card, a thank you card from my oldest son Jack that he wrote to my friend. It was written in response to the graduation card that my friend had sent to Jack toward the end of May. I held it in my hands. Jack did his part. All I had to do was put the stamp on it and send it out. I mentioned the great deal of regret in knowing that my friend never got a chance to read Jack’s thoughtful words. I know that many people present that morning were carrying a similar burden. Although those things that we should have or could have done would have been nice and probably meaningful, the fact that we didn’t bears no responsibility in my friend’s actions.
In the end it was a very touching service. All of the speakers provided differing insights. Some were quite humorous, and others left us with tears. It was a service that captured the essence of who he was. He would have like it.
I know that many of you reading this have known someone who took their own life. I am sorry for your loss and the pain that you still suffer. As I encouraged everyone at the service, I want to encourage you to join a small group of people who are grieving as you are. And in community perhaps you can process your loss a little better.
RECOMMENDED READ:
Grieving a Suicide: A Loved One's Search for Comfort, Answers, and Hope by Albert Y. Hsu
A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser